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PHNXMerlin
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Name: Allen
Gender: Male
Interests: Theatre, Drama, Shopping, Boys, Yoga, Pi/Yo, Friends, Movies, games, books, literature, Philisophy, Education, Law...
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
7/16/2004
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| So, it's been so long since I've been to Xanga that a) I couldn't remember my password, and b) I have little to no idea how to work it. But, I guess that's a good thing, since I really come here to brood as of late: since no one really reads it anymore, it makes it easy.
I just found out that the person I've been holding out hope for has moved on: officially now. I mean, I know we had both "moved" on, but not really. Right before summer started, I saw him one last time, and I'll never forget what he said: "I think this is the start of something..." And it made me so happy. I've had guys who've asked to be with me in the past couple months, and I've denied each one of them. I didn't want to be with anyone, because at the end of the day I still wanted to be with him. But I didn't want to push it. But no he's moved on, and I guess I need to as well.
I don't really know how: where am I ever going to find someone who was as a similar to me as him. I mean, even the things that we were totally different on (like dress codes!), it never effected how much I love him. And still love him.
And now he's so happy: and I'm amazing glad for him. But at the same time, it's like a knife to the heart to me. I need to move on, maybe I've known that for years now, but nights like that night gave me hope, and made me continue to deny the existence of anyone else. Maybe I didn't fight hard enough. Maybe all this is Gods way of telling me what I need to do to change my life. He sent me a soulmate, and I didn't fight hard enough...
I've failed.
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| So, it's actually kind of nice that no one does Xanga anymore, because it means that it can be "private" but at the same time, it's still something that someone might remember one day, you know?
Well, in the meantime, I've started talking to Austin again, but it has been made clear to me over and over again that he is not the one for me (or, that he does not want to be the one for me). Therefore, I've moved on. I still love him, no doubt, but I'm really not even talking to him that much anymore: just nothing really to talk about. I'm starting to date again, something that really hasn't happened in FOREVER. I guess that I'm not really looking for anyone to be with (though there seems to be plenty that want to be with me, urgg), and so it's more of a "make new friends" type of thing. It's weird to have a best friend for two years, and then not really even feel like opening up to them anymore. It kind of makes me regret putting so many of my eggs in one basket. I was always so afraid of making Austin feel bad that I neglected to get close to many other people: only people that he "approved" of would become big people in my life, because I thought that they would be people in "our" life. But you live, you learn.
Either way, I'm in the middle of lots of work for the end of the semester. I feel like the pressure is huggeeeee....but I'll be okay eventually. It'll all work out, I sure hope.
Last, I've been thinking about RJ a lot recently. I heard another guys voice here recently that reminded me of RJ, and it was quite amazing. RJ kind of made me really mad a few weeks ago when he decided not to see me while I was in Houston, but he's really made an effort (like he always does) to keep in touch. I guess that's all I could ask for with the current relationship we have. I still love him too, damnit! But the same with Austin, I don't think I could ever "be with" him again.
Anyway, have a good one everyone!
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| Wow,
So I know I haven't really said anything here in awhile, and no one is probably looking anymore, so I guess that's a great thing...
I'm really in a place of confusion right now. Austin has left me, and said that he can never see being with me forever: a direct contradiction to everything I've heard from him over the past year and a half, but a truth nonetheless. I still love him more than life itself...I'd do anything for the boy, but I guess anything isn't enough.
So I've gotten over him. I've actually made myself move on. I've resisted the urges to call him or text him or respond, and now I'm well on my way to just being past him. I don't really want to be, but it seems like I have to be. Right now, anything short of him coming over to my dorm and knocking on my door (which, if he did, I'd fall for him in an instant again, provided the necessary attitude changes came along with it), will be met with the heart that he has frozen inside me. Ice queen? Maybe.
Anyway, Adios....
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| Houston Again.
Come and Gone.
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| It was hard.
But it's over.
...or maybe I just want it to be too...
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